The Me Nobody Knows

Isn't it funny how sometimes we look at someone and draw a conclusion on how they must live, act, relate to others, etc.  I have found that I do that at the gym.  After consistently working out at my gym for over a year now, you begin to see familiar faces.   I have seen some of these people over and over, and slowly I have gotten to know some of them.  It begins with a little head nod, then a hello, and then conversations begin.  I have really enjoyed making "gym friends" and it's honestly one of the things I'm going to miss most when we move.  But, then there are others that I have never spoken with and in my mind I have guessed as to what job or career they may have.  There is a judge, a builder, a women's basketball coach, and a few others.  I think you get the picture.  One day I'm going to get up enough nerve to ask them what they actually do....and I'll be sure to report back here.  ;)

As a wife and mom I do something very similar.  I look at other families at church, or who homeschool, or who have blogs where their kids are always dressed adorably, smiling and seemingly experiencing life to the fullest.  But, I rarely see the ugliness.  I don't see when the mom took 30 pictures to get 1 good one, or spent too much money on the clothes to get the "look" she wanted, or the schoolwork uncompleted at the end of the day due to bad attitudes (mom and kids) :), or a "loving" wife yelling at her husband.

I know this ugliness to be true, because that ugliness is me. 

Today was a tough day. 

Lysa Terkuerst wrote a book called Unglued, which I highly recommend, and I would say it's the perfect way to describe my day.  I came completely unglued, and it was directed at Andy.  Without getting into the nitty gritty of my ugliness, I'll just say that I had needs and expectations that were unmet and I made it a point of letting it out on him.  We eventually went to our room to try and protect the kids from experiencing this attack (not sure what other word to use here) on one another, but it didn't matter.  They had already heard our voices, seen our faces, listened to our words...and it wasn't good.  We finally decided that we would have to finish this later because we needed to eat and we needed to discuss this without the kids around. 

I definitely struggle with apologies and forgiveness.  As we loaded up the kids and headed out to eat I was angry, and bitter, and resentful.  I had all sorts of feelings and emotions running through my mind.  Even when we got home and put the 2 littles to bed I was still upset.  But then something happened.  I realized that I could spend all night feeling justified and make my points even stronger, or I could spend time with the Lord and pray for my marriage and look to the bible for truth and encouragement.  My first thought was that I need to go to our room alone while Andy was putting Davis to bed and begin to do this, but as quickly as that thought came it was replaced with a clear thought...."humble yourself and apologize to your husband".   I didn't need to go sequester myself to realize what to do.  I knew what to do.  So I sat on the couch with the big boys waiting for Andy to come downstairs and I must say I couldn't hear his footsteps soon enough.  As soon as he came downstairs I told him I needed to talk with him before he left with Drew and Knox to go and get a special treat.

We found a space to be alone and I asked Andy to let me speak first.  As soon as I opened my mouth I began to pour out an apology and I was overcome with emotion.  I told him that I know it all stemmed from making it all about me and my needs and my expectations.  I truly desire for our home to be a safe place to be.  One where we can mess up, make mistakes, and be our true selves.  As I was sharing with him I began to open up about my deep down struggles, the daily disappointments of how I react to the kids, the missed moments of delighting in togetherness, the feelings of failure.  Instead of taking this moment to tell me how sorry I should be :),  he took this time to affirm me as a wife and a mom.  So instead of going to bed tonight with bitterness taking root in my heart, I will go to bed with joy in my heart at who God brought to answer my lifelong prayers of a husband. 

I hesitate to share this because of how raw and real this is, but I felt so strongly that I needed to.  I often times hear others remark on how they don't know how I do it with four kids, or how put together I appear.  The truth is, is that it's not all pretty.  There is definitely ugliness, there are mistakes, there is sin, but the real truth is that Jesus washed my sins white as snow.  The truth is
^"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9 

The truth is in Jesus.  I am so grateful to know Him.  Praise God!

Again, I want to leave you with a praise song from church this morning that has been running through my head all day.  May the words of this song bless you as it did me.